A Mermaid, A Sailor, and A Baby

SmugMug

Have any of you tried this site? I think after I have the baby, it’ll be a must.

For $60 a year, they have right-click protection, which helps prevent photo theft. Unlimited HD video storage. You can store full-size jpgs & gifs that only you can view - so you have a backup, should anything happen to the files you have on your computer or external hard drive. You can make prints directly from the site. There’s the ability to password protect photo galleries. Also the option to make certain galleries private.. So your friends & family can view it without a password or account, but only if you give them the link. And you can share the photos on your twitter or facebook.

I’m sold.

I absolutely don’t want to publicly share photos of the baby. I don’t want people being able to download them & reupload them. (Like those stupid “plentyofbabies” “onlybabies” & “baby-pics” tumblrs do). I don’t want people I don’t even talk to being able to view them. And I’d rather my husband not upload them to his FB for friends & family to see, because that site always compresses photos & destroys the quality of them. Everything uploaded on there looks awful, even if you use the “high quality” uploading option. It makes me sick.

I think this would be a good option for us sharing baby photos with those we are close to but miles away from. We could protect our privacy & the integrity of the image files this way. No compression on their site. And it’s better than just having things on my private twitter or “friends only” flickr galleries, because people have to have accounts to view those.

I’m feeling bittersweet.

I was reading my old email exchanges with Patrick from this time last year. I was still living in Guam, and he was still underway. But we were getting closer & closer to the time we’d see one another again. My plane flew into Honolulu on December 20th. His submarine pulled into Pearl Harbor on December 23rd.

I spent that first part of December very excited and nervous. I couldn’t wait to see him again, and to be able to kiss & hug him. But I felt scared about such a big life change of moving in together. What if it wasn’t how he pictured it being? What if I was a disappointment to him? It’s pretty simple to be a good girlfriend through emails, phone calls & Skype. Living together is something different entirely. I hoped I’d be good enough. Yet, the anticipation of seeing him was enough to make me feel as if I would burst. I was conflicted.

This is exactly how I feel about Baby Tucker. I’ve joked to Patrick before that they are “underway.” Submerged in water inside my womb for months at a time. I talk to them, but I can’t hold them. It’s not hard for me to be a good mother right now. All I must do is take care of myself. They are safe in there, sheltered from all the ugliness & coldness of the world. I have huge responsibilities once they arrive, and my life will forever change. I hope I’ll be good enough. And every day, I wonder if it’s my last day of our bodies being joined as one. I have loved carrying this baby so much that I can’t help but be sad that it’s coming to an end. I cherish every last day of it. Still, I am so ready to meet them, hold them & kiss them that I cry just thinking about it.

I will never forget that day that I was reunited with Patrick on the pier. I was in a silver cocktail gown. All the sailors were in their dress whites, coming off the boat one after another, and there was his face in the crowd. The most gorgeous face I’ve ever seen. There were those big green eyes. And then he saw me, and ran over to me, and squeezed me so tight. We checked into our hotel room, and it was like we were meeting for the first time. Even though we had gotten so close talking over the past 4 months, we hadn’t been face-to-face, and we were getting used to one another’s presence. Then he said, “I have waited so long to tell you this in person. I love you, Tia.”

We had dinner at The Hard Rock Cafe Honolulu in Waikiki, outdoors, under the stars & Friday night fireworks. I asked him if I was how he remembered me, and he said I was better. I knew I was finally home.

It’s hard to believe that this time next year, I’ll be re-reading posts like this. Remembering the days before we welcomed our baby here where they belong with us.

Do/Did you feel you “knew” your baby before meeting them?

I always do.

I was talking to Patrick about this last night. I think Baby Tucker is so playful & happy, and that they’re going to be the type of child that smiles and giggles all the time. He asked me if Brennan was like that as a baby. 

Brennan was very calm and zen. I knew he would be. He wasn’t ever as active as this baby when I was carrying him. And after he was born, he was the type to entertain himself for hours, just like I was. Perhaps because of his Asperger’s, he was often in his own little world. He never really cried when he was a baby. But when I was carrying him, I knew he was going to be so very sweet and peaceful. My little Libra. I could just feel his energy when I was pregnant. And his personality matched what I thought it would be like as he grew into a toddler.

This baby thinks they are so funny! I swear, they play jokes on my midwife. Every time we go into her office, they somehow know.. and I feel them as I’m sitting in the waiting room getting into the most crazy position possible, and climbing up into my ribs. So she’ll always be like “What is this body part? I can’t even tell how they’re laying. They’re so far up!” And then the second I leave her office, they go back down & into their regular positioning. They also love their Daddy so much, and are very responsive to his voice & touch. And they’re extremely energetic in there. I love my feisty little Sagittarius. I can feel their humorous and joyful nature, and I bet they will be outgoing. 

I admit it. I’m scared.

Trigger Warning: Abuse

Also, it’s very lengthy. Feel free to scroll past.

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We’re Ready!

My FIL was going to order us a car seat as a Christmas gift, and we picked one out on Baby Earth because they usually have free shipping. But because of the weight, they wouldn’t ship it to Hawaii. So we went to Baby Emporium tonight & bought one. My FIL will just reimburse us, because he’s awesome like that. We got the Graco Snugride 30 in Metropolis (black). Also the cloth diapers are on their way here, and should arrive by Tuesday.

I’m full term tomorrow. We now have everything we need for the baby, and for the home birth. We got everything on my list & my midwife’s. The birthing pool we rented is already at our place. The midwife is paid in full, and we’ve paid for the placenta to be encapsulated. All the baby’s clothes in size newborn and 0 - 3 months are washed & organized. I’m so relieved!

We were just in Pier 1 Imports looking around while we waited for our Thai take-out from across the street. (Tom yum & red curry!). A lady that worked there saw us & said it looks like we’re getting ready to have our Christmas gift soon. She asked my due date, then said, “That’s a few weeks from now! You must be so excited!”

We are :).

The one thing I disagree with my midwife on…

She keeps saying “We don’t want a big baby” - and I have no idea who she means when she says “we.” Because I want a huge baby.

Brennan was just under 9 lbs. He was beautiful, healthy, and a piece of cake to give birth to. I’ve read mothers with multiple babies saying over and over again in their birth stories that larger babies are easier to push out. Which makes sense if you think about it. Your uterus doesn’t have to contract as hard if a baby takes up more space in it. I see births all the time where women push out 8-12 lb babies with no tearing, and like me they often experience no pain.

The little babies are more likely to have health or lung problems, and they’re always funny looking the first few weeks (no offense). But they’re all wrinkly & red. That’s why they often use a three month old in birth scenes in the movies, LOL. The big babies come out robust & gorgeous, totally skipping the awkward, scrawny phase.

So, yes “we” (Patrick & I) want a big baby. And we’re likely to get one. I was huge, and so was Patrick & so was my first born. I’m sure this baby will be 9 lbs or slightly under it.

She keeps saying to eat less carbs so my baby won’t be as big - first of all, that has nothing to do with it. I ate healthy with Brennan. I know moms who ate McDonalds their entire pregnancy, and their babies were small.. Because that was empty calories, not nutrients. Breastfed babies tend to be fat, because the milk is nutrient rich. I eat mostly organic, not much processed food.. And I’ll probably still have a big chunk of a baby. Secondly, I would never “eat less carbs” unless I wanted to be a raging bitch & constipated. Whole grains make me a happier & healthier person.

So yeah, that’s the only thing she keeps saying where I just have to shake my head.