A Mermaid, A Sailor, and A Baby

Ravenous Creatures

I just successfully breastfed Terry while eating Ben & Jerry’s Creme Brûlée ice cream. It wasn’t easy. I am clumsy & terrible at multitasking. But despite the fact that he’s been eating nonstop since he woke up this morning, he was apparently wasting away from starvation. Or so it seemed with how he was carrying on. And of course I was famished from his marathon nursing.

He was crying, and I wanted to cry, because damn it, my stomach was empty. So we both ate. And you’d better believe I finished off that entire carton after I burped him & he fell asleep on me.

I really wish I could diet & exercise, but I don’t foresee that happening. The other day I went for a walk wearing him, but I stopped & bought a cupcake. I get so hungry carrying around someone so heavy. And he’s so heavy because he consumes all my calories, which makes me more hungry.

Yesterday was bad.

It started out nice. We walked to Starbucks, then relaxed at home.

But Terry kept being fussy (which he’s normally not), and nursing nonstop.

At one point, I started to feel very tired & depressed for no reason. I’m never that sad. It was sudden. Intense. I went upstairs to nap, and Patrick & Terry came too. Terry was snuggling with his Daddy. Then he looked at me & started fussing, and I just lost it. I said Terry doesn’t LIKE me. And I ran downstairs to the guest room. I tried to lock the door, but Patrick ran in after me. I was screaming that I needed to be alone, but he grabbed me & hugged me. I just started sobbing.

I started saying that Terry always sleeps during the day when Patrick is gone. I said he didn’t sleep that day because Patrick was home, and he’s the “fun” parent. Patrick always plays with him. So that was why he was fussy. I said I’m just a food source, and Terry wouldn’t let me hold him or play with him. He only wanted me when he wanted milk, and when he stops nursing he won’t need me anymore, and I love him so much it scares me. Because I don’t know what I’ll do if he doesn’t love me back. Unrequited love is bad enough without it being from the person you brought into the world. Despite him being a helpless infant, I feel like I need him more.

Patrick talked about how much he loved his mom as a little boy, and reminded me that Terry looks & acts just like him. He also said it’s comforting for Terry to nurse, and he associates me with comfort. We went back upstairs together where he had barricaded Terry in bed, and Terry was laying there silently, looking contemplative. Like he knew something was up. I started covering him in kisses. And then he went for my boob again. At that point, I realized what was happening. He was going through a growth spurt again! He started his first one at two weeks instead of three. He was starting this one at five instead of six. That was why he was fussy & not sleeping, and wanted to eat any time I cuddled with him.

We all three took a nice nap together. Then Terry was fussy again that afternoon, even after we took a shower with him like he loves. I fed him. We swaddled him in his new organic cotton mustache blanket. Still he was grumpy as hell. We were starving, and I wanted Mexican. Patrick offered to order take out & pick it up. I said don’t you dare leave me with this cranky child. So we all went to pick it up. And Terry used to scream in the car, but now he’s familiar with it & loves it. So he was silent the entire way there & back, even when I knew he was awake. We sang Phantom Planet’s California (The OC theme song) & listened to a podcast. He listened too.

He kept nursing for what seemed like hours later that night from the left boob. It was several episodes of Buffy. But it kept making milk, and remaining painfully full. I tried to pump it before bed & nothing would come out. I thought, OMG no. Not a clogged duct. But I knew Terry was getting milk out of it, because he didn’t complain. And his diaper was full of pee. Still, it hurt so bad. It was full of milk. I slept a long time before waking up still in pain, and I rubbed some arnica gel on it. Then Terry ate from it just fine, and I pumped 6 oz out in 9 minutes afterwards, feeling all the pressure relieved. Thank God. In Googling clogged ducts, I read that milk let down can cause depression. Which explains a lot, since I experienced it nonstop yesterday with the sharp needle pains.

Today has got to be better.