A Mermaid, A Sailor, and A Baby

Lazy Sunday

Yesterday morning we did our weekly shopping, as usual. We listened to The Cranberries in the car, and apparently Terry loves the 90’s as much as we do. We didn’t hear a peep out of him.

Then Terry & I took a nap while Patrick cleaned our entire home. He’s so sweet. Now and then I’d drift in and out of sleep. Feeling the sunshine on my face and the breeze coming in from the lanai. Hearing the sounds of Billie Holiday downstairs. And seeing my beautiful baby curled up next to me.

That afternoon we grilled out with Patrick’s Guam friends who now live in our apartment complex. There are picnic tables & grills next to our playground. They have two boys, ages 2 and 3 1/2. So they ran around the entire time, and Terry happily sat on my lap taking in the sights & sounds. We put his new cameras & binoculars print hat on him to keep the sun out of his eyes, and he looked so cute. Then when it started to get chilly as the sun went down, I put his sock monkey sleep sack on him. He loves being outdoors so much, and was in a blissful mood the entire evening.

Patrick did all the grilling, making them real hot dogs & hamburgers and making us the vegetarian versions. He also made shrimp kebabs, veggie kebabs & corn on the cob. We had the whole grain buns, spicy brown mustard & kettle chips I love. They brought watermelon, cake, and beer. It’s safe to say I ate until I had a food baby. Nikki kept looking at Terry, saying how cute he is & how it makes her want to have another baby. I kept looking at her boys, who seemed older than they were, and not wanting Terry to ever grow up. The men exchanged hilarious sailor stories, reminiscing their time in Guam. I’m always shy & quiet, but Patrick is such a charismatic extrovert. And I have the biggest crush on my husband. So I love watching him & listening to him in social situations. It always reminds me of how we got together.

I finished editing some photographs before bed, and I sent the past 6 weeks worth of 52 weeks shots to the guy who was my closest friend when I lived in Detroit. He said Terry has some amazing eyes, and I have to agree. They look more like Patrick’s every day. Luminous and expressive. Brennan and Terry are like night and day personality wise. Brennan was a little me, and Terry is a little Patrick. I don’t think he’s going to be the bashful type.

Great day with my boys

We went to Baby Awareness & got an ERGObaby Performance in Spring Green. It is useful for hiking & warm climates, made with breathable mesh. I am completely in love with it! His Balboa sling was nice at first, but now he just weighs too much & it hurts to wear him in that. I needed better support. This ERGO makes wearing him so comfortable, and even though the newborn insert is recommended if they’re under 15 lbs, he did not need it at all. He fits in there great & seems quite pleased with it. My goal is to walk 3 miles a day Monday - Friday with him. And to check out Mommy & Me yoga classes soon.

We went to a sushi place for lunch, and I flashed back to my first sushi date with Patrick back in Guam. I was falling so hard for him then. And here I was now, even more crazy about him, watching him hold our baby on his lap who looks just like him. I swear I am so emotional these days. I constantly want to cry happy tears when I look at my gorgeous little family.

We picked up pizza for dinner from Whole Foods. Terry & I took a bubble bath complete with incense & candles. He loved looking at the shadows the candlelight created. Now he’s curled up in my lap, nursing and smelling so good. Wearing his super soft terry cloth shark pajamas his aunt got him. I love my SIL! She is a year older than me, a fellow book lover, and so good to Terry. She is always sending him cute stuff.

Life is good.

Holy Crap I love my husband

This morning we were walking to Starbucks when he asked me if I liked surprises. I said it depended on the surprise, and he said give examples of surprises I would or wouldn’t like. I said I’d like a Peppermint Patty, but not a day trip to a tarantula exhibit. Then I said he knows me well enough to know, anyways. The main thing is I don’t like him to spend too much money on me.

Turns out, he’s flying my friend Amy out here from Sacramento. The one who makes the stuffed animals on Etsy & reminds me of Jess from New Girl. And he quickly added that he used his credit card rewards to get the roundtrip tickets. I said he was going to make me cry, and I already had the scrunched up ugly-cry face right there in Starbucks as I held back tears. God, that Starbucks & the moments I have in it. It’s where I went into active labor with Terry 7 weeks ago today.

You would have to understand how much I love Amy to know why I told my husband this is the sweetest thing he’s ever done for me. She is the most beautiful woman I know, inside & out. I was so excited for her to meet Patrick last June, and now I’m so excited for her to meet Terry. She is coming the 18th - 27th of this month, and Patrick knows me well enough to know I’ll want our home spotless. He was going to clean it himself, but he knows it’s never good enough for someone as crazy about it as I am, and that I’d want a head’s up to do it my own way.

As if this wasn’t enough, he just came home from washing the car & surprised me with a Canon 50 mm 1.4 lens! I was supposed to get it next week with our tax return, but he went ahead & put it on his Navy Exchange card.

“Me” again

There were many times during my pregnancy where I didn’t feel sexy. People would tell me what a “cute pregnant girl” I was, and my husband would say I was beautiful. But that’s not the same as being sexy. And maybe some never consider themselves to be that. But I always did. Even when I didn’t feel cute or pretty, I felt sexy. That was part of my identity. Maybe because of my line of work, doing erotic/fetish modeling occassionally, and working as a shot girl & stripper. Or maybe just because I’m a sexual person. I felt sexy before I was ever comfortable enough with my appearance to do those jobs, and before I lost my virginity at age 20. But when I was pregnant, sometimes I just didn’t look or feel like me anymore.

I couldn’t wait to get my figure back, and to get my hormones stabilized. After all, my husband hadn’t changed in that sense. Yes, becoming an expecting father changed how he looked at life, and how he handled our finances. But he still had this perfect body, and he wasn’t having crazy mood swings. He was still Patrick. And I figured if I could just be Tia again, we could go back to being us.

But then I started to look like me again. And I was healed enough to resume our sex life. So why did I feel so apprehensive about it? I was feeling scared and shy, as if we hadn’t ever done this before. As if we hadn’t up until the morning Terry was born. I secretly wondered if Patrick could still look at me the same, after catching a baby that came out of me & watching me hemorrhaging afterwards. Or witnessing me wearing frozen adult diapers that’d been soaked in sitz herbs, or drinking placenta smoothies he made me. Or soaking our bed sheets with breast milk. Not exactly sexy stuff. I never thought when we met & I was wearing black fishnet thigh highs that this would be our future.

Somehow this gorgeous man still found me attractive. Especially seeing me be a mother to Terry. It made me even more alluring to him. He thought it was amazing that I’d created & birthed this perfect baby of ours, and how maternally I behaved once our baby was here. But this was also hindering things. We never had time alone anymore. We no longer cuddled in bed, because Terry slept between us. We no longer messed around in the shower, because Terry co-bathed with us. And whenever Terry napped, I was afraid to leave him for even a little while. What if he woke up & needed me?

But last night, something came over me. We were all laying in bed together, Terry asleep & Patrick playing on his iPhone. And I missed him so much, even with him being right there. I wanted to reach out to him, over there on his side of the bed.. But I was exhausted from a long day of Terry going through a growth spurt. I fell asleep. But at 3:33 am, I was wide awake. I was missing my husband. And I knew Terry would be waking up in about an hour. I got up, walked over to Patrick’s side, and started kissing him. I was afraid he’d be tired & annoyed, but he pulled me into bed for cuddles. Then he said let’s go, and we ran downstairs to the guest room.

It was like our first time together all over again, but it was a million times more intense. I never thought when I married him that I could possibly love him more, but now that I see what a great father he is, I do. We are us again. But at the same time, we’re not. We’re forever changed. We’re closer now. And afterwards, getting back in bed with Terry right before he woke up, I realized that.

I’m six weeks postpartum tomorrow.. But do you ever stop being postpartum once you’ve given birth? Or when your baby grows up & becomes a parent themselves, are you still holding your breath wondering if you’ll ever feel like the old you again, and bursting with more love than you imagined you could?

Yesterday was so nice.

It was the kind of lazy Sunday Patrick & I always had together, but it was with our little boy.

We walked to our Starbucks in the morning, with me wearing Terry in the sling. I decided to start ordering healthier there. I used to always get iced decaf lattes with nonfat milk & no whipped cream. But there is refined sugar & artificial food dye in their syrups, and their milk isn’t organic. I’m going to try my best to eat vegan whenever we go out, and remain pescetarian as far as eating at home goes. I want my eggs & dairy to be ethical. Also who would want to ingest dairy that isn’t organic with all the growth hormones? Not me. Starbucks used to be one of my very few indulgences in a mostly clean, organic diet. But now my drink of choice is iced green tea with raw cane sugar. Another benefit of me avoiding processed foods & refined sugar is that I’m less likely to encounter thrush while breastfeeding.

Then we bought some local shrimp at the open market, walked home, grabbed the car, and headed to the Navy Exchange to pick up a few things. Terry cried the first few times he was in his car seat, but now he never does. He has gotten used to it, and remains calm, listening to music or our favorite podcast. He LOVES being in that sling so much, so I always wear him in it when we’re shopping too. He didn’t start to cry until we got to the checkout lane, because he was hungry.. And then he stopped crying as we walked through the parking lot.

It’s as if he has gotten used to the fact that I always breastfeed him in the car whenever we go out places. I enjoy doing it that way. Just sitting in the shade somewhere, listening to a podcast & nursing my baby while I talk to Patrick. I would never want to breastfeed in public, although I believe every woman has the right to. I find it to be an intimate & personal thing. I like privacy for it, and I like the routine of having a familiar place to do it, like our family car. That’s probably the Aspie in me.

We spent the rest of the day cuddling & watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I forgot how much I loved that show when I was a teenager, and Patrick never saw it. We’ve been watching it from the beginning. I folded Terry’s clean laundry & organized his drawers in his room. He has outgrown all his newborn sized onesie t-shirts from Carter’s. He still fits in some of his newborn pajamas - the kind with animals on the feet & on the butt. He loves wearing those, because he loves being warm & having something on his feet. They are getting small on him too, though. We got him sock monkey pajamas with the little feet & sock monkey on the butt at the Navy Exchange. It was size 0-3 months, and he wore it yesterday evening. He is getting so big! We notice he’s heavier now when we hold him.

Patrick made grilled shrimp & veggies with sticky rice for lunch, and portobello “burgers” with sweet potato fries for dinner. He took Terry on a walk that afternoon, just the two of them, wearing him in the sling. I got a chance to actually start editing the birth photos, which made me want to cry happy tears as I looked through them.

I love the relationship that Terry & Patrick have. He is SO happy whenever his Daddy holds him, sings him silly songs, or lays down with him on his chest. He looks very peaceful whenever they’re together. And they look like twins when they take naps together. They make the same facial expressions. He’s such a little Patrick clone & I love it. I love when I hold him up to my shoulder to burp him, and he presses his chubby cherub cheek against mine. I love the way he presses his face against my boob like it’s a pillow when he stops nursing, and looks up at me with his beautiful eyes. I love my little family.

Genuine

So, as it turns out.. that “faux” pearl necklace I said my husband got me for Christmas? The pearls are real. And the diamonds in the front clasp are real. Which means he spent way more money on me than I’m comfortable with, AND he told me we weren’t doing Christmas gifts this year.. so I didn’t get him anything.

At first when I found this out yesterday, I was mad. For like a few seconds. Then he said it was okay, because it was our first Christmas together as a married couple. And that I could wear that necklace for years and years to come, when we’re old people together & I’m remembering the Christmas after Terry was born. He then did an impression of what I’m going to sound like when I’m old, and saying how thankful I am that he got me the necklace. And he insisted that I did get him something, saying I did all the work of carrying Terry & pushing him out.

Last night as he was putting Terry to bed, he was singing him songs he was making up on the spot in this ridiculous voice, and I laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe. Then I had to get up & run to go pee. 

It’s pretty great being married to my best friend. It’s like having slumber parties every night.

Today…

Is the one year anniversary of Patrick’s submarine pulling into Pearl Harbor, with me waiting on the pier, and us starting our lives together. I can’t believe what a year it has been, or how lucky I am to have all that I do. I love my husband, our home, our baby, and everything about the life we’ve created together.

Playing Nurse

Yesterday Patrick ran 26 miles in under 5 hours, and he hadn’t trained for it at all. Needless to say, he came home quite sore & exhausted. Out of about 32,000 runners, he finished in the 4,000’s. And out of all the sailors on his boat who participated, he came in second. The guy who was first does long distance running all the time, though. Patrick just wanted to beat his Senior Chief who he has a very competitive friendship with, and he did that LOL.

He came home and sat in the shower for a while with hot water pouring over him, and we talked about how I have always thought labor/childbirth was like a marathon. We talked about how you must pace yourself, stay hydrated, and how it’s amazing endorphins & feelings of accomplishment mixed with being famished at the end. Then he took a nap for a few hours. He actually woke up at 3 am to get ready for it, because it started at 5 & it was hard to find parking for it in Honolulu. So that nap was much needed.

While he napped, I was feeling energetic myself, cleaning up our place. I was so glad I didn’t go into labor that morning! He said he would’ve sucked it up & been there for me. But I’d prefer both of us be at 100% when the day comes. So I took care of him as he will be taking care of me soon. I even cooked lunch for us when he woke up - something I never do! I made organic sushi rice with organic rice vinegar, seaweed, toasted sesame seeds, steamed zucchini, squash & peppers, spices, and organic soy sauce. And I made organic potatoes, rubbed with extra virgin olive oil & Hawaiian sea salt, baked, and topped with grass-fed butter & grated parmesan. I brought him white grape juice & electrolyte charged water, and I massaged him. We watched Alfie on Netflix.

He was feeling better this morning before going into work, but said he’s probably not going to the gym or doing CrossFit tonight. When he gets home from work, we’ll do a 52 weeks shot of me. Can’t believe I’m 41 weeks + 3 days!

I’m still feeling good, and getting so excited. We’ve had the birthing pool set up in the baby’s room since the false labor, but I sat in it for the first time yesterday. I feel like I am finally ready. When I had the false labor, I wasn’t. I was scared, and I wanted just a little more time to be pregnant with this baby.. Knowing I’ll never get that time back. I’m grateful I had a bit longer to carry them, and that the painful Prodromal labor went away.. Because I could not get through more weeks of that. I might cry when they cut the umbilical cord.. I want to stay attached to this baby forever. Maybe because I lost Brennan. But I feel at peace now, like the time has come to let go & give birth, allowing them to become their own person separate from me. I’m ready to meet them.

I’m feeling bittersweet.

I was reading my old email exchanges with Patrick from this time last year. I was still living in Guam, and he was still underway. But we were getting closer & closer to the time we’d see one another again. My plane flew into Honolulu on December 20th. His submarine pulled into Pearl Harbor on December 23rd.

I spent that first part of December very excited and nervous. I couldn’t wait to see him again, and to be able to kiss & hug him. But I felt scared about such a big life change of moving in together. What if it wasn’t how he pictured it being? What if I was a disappointment to him? It’s pretty simple to be a good girlfriend through emails, phone calls & Skype. Living together is something different entirely. I hoped I’d be good enough. Yet, the anticipation of seeing him was enough to make me feel as if I would burst. I was conflicted.

This is exactly how I feel about Baby Tucker. I’ve joked to Patrick before that they are “underway.” Submerged in water inside my womb for months at a time. I talk to them, but I can’t hold them. It’s not hard for me to be a good mother right now. All I must do is take care of myself. They are safe in there, sheltered from all the ugliness & coldness of the world. I have huge responsibilities once they arrive, and my life will forever change. I hope I’ll be good enough. And every day, I wonder if it’s my last day of our bodies being joined as one. I have loved carrying this baby so much that I can’t help but be sad that it’s coming to an end. I cherish every last day of it. Still, I am so ready to meet them, hold them & kiss them that I cry just thinking about it.

I will never forget that day that I was reunited with Patrick on the pier. I was in a silver cocktail gown. All the sailors were in their dress whites, coming off the boat one after another, and there was his face in the crowd. The most gorgeous face I’ve ever seen. There were those big green eyes. And then he saw me, and ran over to me, and squeezed me so tight. We checked into our hotel room, and it was like we were meeting for the first time. Even though we had gotten so close talking over the past 4 months, we hadn’t been face-to-face, and we were getting used to one another’s presence. Then he said, “I have waited so long to tell you this in person. I love you, Tia.”

We had dinner at The Hard Rock Cafe Honolulu in Waikiki, outdoors, under the stars & Friday night fireworks. I asked him if I was how he remembered me, and he said I was better. I knew I was finally home.

It’s hard to believe that this time next year, I’ll be re-reading posts like this. Remembering the days before we welcomed our baby here where they belong with us.

Speaking of placentas…

My husband has changed so much over the past 9 months.

I remember when I asked him if he wanted to do placenta prints with me, and he said no thanks, he thought that was a bit weird. Then he later decided that it was a really cool keepsake, to have that “tree of life” pattern of something that sustained the baby all that time. And he helped me pick out all this pretty handmade paper to try making blood prints on.

Also, I remember when I first talked about eating my placenta, he didn’t want to be the one having to prepare it for me.. so he said it was well worth the money to pay someone else to encapsulate it. Now he’s saying we can still have Mari encapsulate it, but that it’s best raw, so he wants to save a little bit of it to make me smoothies with the first few days.

Damn, I remember when I used to date guys so immature about the female body that they wouldn’t buy me tampons. Patrick is such a saint.